so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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