I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
