even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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