woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
