i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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