She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You had me at "let me see your balls"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
