dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
