Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
