I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
