Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
