someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
FUCK WHALES
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize