i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
tell me about the fingering
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