I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
