I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
