You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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