I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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