Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
