I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
