Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
