we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
