He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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