Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize