I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
