My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
