This is not my ceiling
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize