You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize