he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
