he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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