"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
