ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
