I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
