You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
