My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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