Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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