do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
