Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
