How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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