Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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