so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
