I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
