last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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