Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
im holly from the hills drunk
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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