Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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