I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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