Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
