You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
