Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize