im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize