She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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