He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
