i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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