come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
