I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize