Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
