Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
