Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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