i jhust puked up my retainher.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
