1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
