my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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