If that was your dad, he is hot
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
