she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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