Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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