It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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