when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
