happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
