she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize