this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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