1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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