last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
