Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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