he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
