Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
