She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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