It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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