So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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